Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread