Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.