Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
my name if I was in the mob
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.