*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
So many pants.
So little yoga.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m putting together a team
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!