instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit