People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
me irl
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
🤣😂🤣
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family