When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
This is so me 😂😂
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!