When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay