When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
pelicons
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I was bored.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT