[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.