[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree