Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.