Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
#SCOTUS one-star review
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!