Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Does this dress make me look cat?
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