boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.