A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster