Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do