I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Nomnomnomnom
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also