“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
School be like
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor