prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
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Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes