Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.