People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain