People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
sry
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies