EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security