According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
You Might Also Like
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.