I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.