*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
💯😂
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!