Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift