me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.