A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Grandmother clock.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Happy Caturday!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!