My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
You Might Also Like
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
No Google it does not
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.