*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
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My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
peeping toms
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I have never related to a cat more
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
