*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
A great first step 😂
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Flowers bee like
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons