After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My dog learned how to text
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea