me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.