*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.