[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?