me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Danger is very dangerous
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
hmm conte-me mais
Do not levitate over flowers
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.