Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
the rocks need my help
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just say no
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..