I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
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Rather alarming headline…
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills