Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this