When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.