[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain