You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
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Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.