Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
You Might Also Like
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*