All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You Might Also Like
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My dating profile:
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.