YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
SCARY COSTUME
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim