Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!