“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.