ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hello Twits.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
FRED: right
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Something Saturday.