People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Woke up against my better judgment again
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day