People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What