Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me, flirting😏
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.