It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”