why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Natural selection at its finest
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Who.
Did.
This?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.