If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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I would like even faster food.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.